"You know when a guy is...like...well...he is still like a Man, but just effeminate too?"
"How could he do that? I won't want to look anyone in my family in the eyes the day after my wedding night."
I happened to overhear both of these conversations while walking around campus today. The first one made me laugh. The second kinda bothered me.
BYU is the only place I have lived or visited where a lot of straight guys wear scarves. I do not know why. I sometimes think that homosexuality as a topic is so avoided and as a situation repressed that people do not think of it as a possibility. In a culture that is not very accepting of people who are homosexual this might be helpful, because it allows people with traditionally taboo traits or preferences to fly under the radar of just being different. Because being transgender or homosexual is not discussed it is not assumed and does not become part of people's causal logic when trying to explain something they see. So a guy who is still, like, a man can be effeminate and no one questions his sexuality. Though, if that effeminate man is gay and he wants to let people around him know then he has no gentle way to do it, because his neighbors might refuse to think of homosexuality as a reality so close to them. So, I laugh, because the situation is ridiculous.
The second quote came from a conversation I heard quite a bit of. The girl was discussing how someone she knew well had been married the previous Saturday and then had to go to the baby blessing for his niece the next day. They she expressed how she thought that would be uncomfortable. Why? Is sex really that scary? Is it embarrassing? I will sweat for lots of reasons on my wedding night I am sure, nerves definitely being one of them. But I would not (I hope) feel embarrassed to be around people. Especially my family.
This connects to another conversation I have had. Apparently some people feel that holding hands is more of a commitment than kissing. They will kiss a person long before holding hands. What!? Kissing is much more sexual (if you feel differently I would love to hear more about that) than holding hands. More sexual situations hopefully express more commitment. But their rationality was that holding hands is a public thing and lets other people know you are in a relationship, but kissing can be done quietly and privately. To them, it is the public announcement of a relationship that means more commitment.
People often have sex on their wedding night. That is nothing tot be ashamed of. You just married someone you love and adore. But are we so scared of being public about love and intimacy. Why?
You ask questions, but posit no answers.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest that public displays mean more because of the way that society views sex and relationships. Relationships have more to do with "being on the market" or not. Sex and sexual displays (kissing for instance) have been degraded to exhibitions of bodily hunger instead of demonstrations of commitment and love. Our puritanistic foundations decry the villainy of all hungers of the flesh making them not only shameful but nearly abhorrent even when used appropriately within the marital union. The traditional Mormon culture with the added restrictions against other bodily weaknesses has been slower than the rest of society in changing this paradigm (there are other reasons as well of course, but that is a good simplification). We are obsessed with sex, and only in the last few years have we begun to teach that sex is good, natural, and as much for women as for men.
As these teachings permeate our culture we will see some changes. Hopefully as a people we will develop healthier perspectives on sex and intimacy. Perhaps as a society we may even remember that relationships are more about intimacy than availability, but I imagine that will take longer. In the meantime we will just have to continue being open and honest in relationships and practice our communication to learn what our significant others consider intimate and important.