A couple of my friends are in a bit of a contention. One guy had a bad breakup a couple months ago with a gal he really liked. After the breakup he found out she had dated him for practice. Well, this last week, said guy found out his best friend has started dating this heart-breaker. Hard toke brah.
Unfortunately I disagree with the way both of them are dealing with the situation. Guy 1 feels deeply betrayed. Understandable. Guy 2 feels like he needs to take what life is giving him. Understandable. I've been in both positions. I can dig it. But 1 feels that 2 needs to decide between a bromance and a romance, so he gave 2 an ultimatum: 2 had 24 hours to decide to break up with the gal or find a new place to live for the upcoming months.
My trouble with their actions are the consequences. I can understand going with the flow, but you have to draw some lines for yourself. Most people are not going to do a kilo of cocaine if they happen upon it. And hopefully a person's line is far before that. I've heard all sorts of "rules" about when it is appropriate to date a friend's ex, but making a rule about emotions is like using a sieve to hold water; they're too fluid. So when you care about a person you should draw lines so that even the lemons and sugars of life cannot force you to hurt them. We might not mean to hurt others, but we should be careful to ensure we mean not to hurt them too.
But my biggest trouble is with giving an ultimatum. It only makes things worse. If 2 picks the friendship then he may always feel regret and spite towards 1 for denying him a chance at happiness. If 2 picks the girl now and then later finds out she is not someone he can love then he lost a friend (it should also be mentioned that the girl is planning on leaving in a few months for a year and a half. So she isn't looking for a long-term relationship and one isn't really possible). Worst of all, 1 is preventing 2 almost any chance of someday being forgiven. If things turn sour with 2's relationship and he wants to renew his friendship with 1, 1 is telling 2 that there is no chance. So why would he try? And if no one tries to seek forgiveness then there is no chance for the relationship to continue.
I almost went there a few years ago. A girl really hurt my heart. She lied to me and broke countless promises. I wanted so badly to tell her that she had to choose between me and another and that I would never be there for her again if she didn't choose me. I have always been grateful that I decided not to tell her that (mostly because I realized it isn't true). It would have been unfair. It would have forever prevented us from reconciling. She and I are still not close and I would have trouble calling her even a friend after how she still treats me, but I feel like there is a chance for either of us to someday try to renew what was a very deep and satisfying friendship. I am glad I gave us a chance by denying myself the selfish pleasures of telling her off.
Things don't always work out the way we want them to, but life is good; things always turn out alright. Sometimes (most times) one needs to just leave them alone until they come home.
Unfortunately I disagree with the way both of them are dealing with the situation. Guy 1 feels deeply betrayed. Understandable. Guy 2 feels like he needs to take what life is giving him. Understandable. I've been in both positions. I can dig it. But 1 feels that 2 needs to decide between a bromance and a romance, so he gave 2 an ultimatum: 2 had 24 hours to decide to break up with the gal or find a new place to live for the upcoming months.
My trouble with their actions are the consequences. I can understand going with the flow, but you have to draw some lines for yourself. Most people are not going to do a kilo of cocaine if they happen upon it. And hopefully a person's line is far before that. I've heard all sorts of "rules" about when it is appropriate to date a friend's ex, but making a rule about emotions is like using a sieve to hold water; they're too fluid. So when you care about a person you should draw lines so that even the lemons and sugars of life cannot force you to hurt them. We might not mean to hurt others, but we should be careful to ensure we mean not to hurt them too.
But my biggest trouble is with giving an ultimatum. It only makes things worse. If 2 picks the friendship then he may always feel regret and spite towards 1 for denying him a chance at happiness. If 2 picks the girl now and then later finds out she is not someone he can love then he lost a friend (it should also be mentioned that the girl is planning on leaving in a few months for a year and a half. So she isn't looking for a long-term relationship and one isn't really possible). Worst of all, 1 is preventing 2 almost any chance of someday being forgiven. If things turn sour with 2's relationship and he wants to renew his friendship with 1, 1 is telling 2 that there is no chance. So why would he try? And if no one tries to seek forgiveness then there is no chance for the relationship to continue.
I almost went there a few years ago. A girl really hurt my heart. She lied to me and broke countless promises. I wanted so badly to tell her that she had to choose between me and another and that I would never be there for her again if she didn't choose me. I have always been grateful that I decided not to tell her that (mostly because I realized it isn't true). It would have been unfair. It would have forever prevented us from reconciling. She and I are still not close and I would have trouble calling her even a friend after how she still treats me, but I feel like there is a chance for either of us to someday try to renew what was a very deep and satisfying friendship. I am glad I gave us a chance by denying myself the selfish pleasures of telling her off.
Things don't always work out the way we want them to, but life is good; things always turn out alright. Sometimes (most times) one needs to just leave them alone until they come home.
